How to Teach Kids to Help Friends Without Carrying Their Burdens
For children and teens aged 7 to 16, friendships play a vital role in their social and emotional development. While these connections can bring joy and support, they can also be challenging – especially when a friend is dealing with big emotions or difficult situations. One of the most important lessons we can teach our children is that being a good friend doesn’t mean they’re responsible for “fixing” their friend’s problems.
Setting healthy boundaries is key to maintaining emotional wellbeing, and it’s crucial that children and teens understand this. At the same time, they also need to know where to guide their friends when issues become too big for them to handle alone. In a world where unreliable online advice can sometimes steer children in the wrong direction, knowing how to find trusted support is essential.
Why Boundaries Matter in Friendships
As friendships deepen, children and teens naturally want to help when their friends are going through a tough time. However, they can easily feel overwhelmed if they believe it’s their job to “solve” everything. Setting boundaries helps protect them from emotional exhaustion and anxiety, while ensuring they can still be a supportive presence.
Boundaries are essential because they:
- Protect emotional wellbeing: Your child should care for their friends without feeling the burden of fixing every problem.
- Promote self-care: Without boundaries, children and teens can neglect their own needs in favour of focusing on their friends’ struggles.
- Model healthy relationships: Setting boundaries now will help children navigate friendships and relationships more successfully as they grow.
How to Teach Boundaries in Friendship
At Kids First, our child psychologists often see kids and teens who care deeply about their friends. This sense of commitment is a wonderful quality, but it’s also important that they learn how to set healthy boundaries. Your child needs to know when it’s okay to support their friend and when it’s time for their friend to get the right help from the right people. Teaching them these strategies can make a big difference, ensuring they can stand by their mate without getting in too deep or becoming overwhelmed themselves.
Emphasise Being Present, Not Perfect
Many children feel that being a good friend means always having the answers or solving every problem. Teach your child that simply being there for their friend is often enough. A kind message, a listening ear, or spending time together can mean more than trying to fix things. Simple phrases like “I’m here for you” or “It’s okay to feel upset” can go a long way in showing support without overburdening themselves.
Model Setting Limits
Children learn by watching how adults navigate their own relationships. You can demonstrate setting respectful boundaries by saying things like:
- “I care about how you’re feeling, and I want to talk more. Can we find a time that works well for both of us?”
- “I’d love to help, but I can’t do it all. Maybe we can find someone else who can also support you.”
- “I’m always here to help, but it might be good for us to talk to someone else who knows more about this than we do.”
These phrases show that it’s possible to be caring and supportive while recognising personal limits, helping children understand that maintaining their own wellbeing is an important part of being a good friend.
Encourage Them to Suggest Trusted Adults
When a problem feels too big, it’s important that children and teens know they can recommend trusted adults who are better equipped to help. Sometimes, all a friend needs is a gentle nudge to seek out professional or adult support. Encourage your child to say things like:
- Parents or Guardians: “Have you talked to your mum or dad about this?”
- Teachers: “Maybe a teacher can help you figure this out.”
- School Counsellors: “You could talk to the school counsellor; they might know what to do.”
- Family Doctor or Paediatrician: “It might help to talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling.”
- Child Psychologist or Therapist: “I’ve heard that therapists or psychologists can really help with feelings like this.”
- Trusted Relatives: “Maybe you could talk to your aunt or grandad – they’re really good at listening.”
By encouraging their friend to seek help from these trusted sources, your child can offer support while not feeling like they have to take on too much responsibility.
Help Them Recognise Their Limits
Children and teens may feel the need to help their friends at all costs, but it’s important they recognise their own limits. Teach them that it’s okay to step back if they feel overwhelmed or if the friendship starts to affect their own mental health. Encourage them to say something like, “I really care about you, but I’m feeling a bit tired, and I need to take a break for a while.”
Knowing when to step back doesn’t mean they’re failing their friend – it shows they understand the importance of maintaining balance and self-care in relationships.
Reinforce the Importance of Asking for Help
It’s vital that children and teens know when it’s time to ask for help from an adult. Encourage them to understand that it’s not their job to take on their friends’ problems alone. If their friend is experiencing big feelings or serious issues, the best thing they can do is suggest reaching out to a trusted adult.
Explain to your child that recommending their friend talk to a teacher, counsellor, or even a family doctor isn’t a sign of giving up – it’s a sign of being a good, caring friend. Sometimes, knowing when to bring in extra support is the most important thing they can do.
Warn Against Relying on Unreliable Online Advice
In the digital age, it’s all too easy for children and teens to turn to the internet for advice. Unfortunately, not all online sources are trustworthy or reliable, and this can lead to misinformation or even harmful advice. Make sure your child understands that while the internet can be useful, it’s not always the best place to find solutions for serious emotional issues.
Teach them to look for information from reliable sources, such as professional websites, health organisations, or their own school. You can say things like, “If your friend is reading something online, it’s important they check it’s from a trustworthy source, or better yet, speak to someone who can really help.”
Here are some of the best Australian websites and organisations that provide support for children and young people dealing with mental health challenges, bullying, or crisis situations:
- Kids Helpline (kidshelpline.com.au)
A free, confidential counselling service available 24/7 for young people aged 5-25. Kids Helpline offers phone, email, and online chat support on a wide range of issues, including mental health, bullying, and family concerns.
- Headspace (headspace.org.au)
Focused on mental health support for young Australians aged 12-25, Headspace offers online and face-to-face services for mental health, physical health, work and study support, and alcohol and other drug issues.
- ReachOut (www.reachout.com)
A leading online mental health organisation for young people. ReachOut provides resources and forums to support teenagers through tough times, including bullying, anxiety, and other mental health concerns.
- Bullying. No Way! (bullyingnoway.gov.au)
This government-backed site provides advice, information, and resources for students, parents, and teachers on recognising, preventing, and addressing bullying in schools.
- Beyond Blue (beyondblue.org.au)
Beyond Blue offers a wealth of resources for young people, parents, and educators on mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Their Youth Program is particularly focused on supporting those under 25.
The Balance Between Helping and Protecting
Friendships are a source of joy and connection, but they can also come with emotional challenges. By teaching your child or teen to set healthy boundaries, recognise their limits, and seek help from reliable sources, you’re equipping them with the tools to maintain strong, supportive relationships without feeling overwhelmed.
If you’re looking for more advice or resources to support your child’s social and emotional development, the multidisciplinary team at Kids First is here to help. If you have any concerns or need additional support, please reach out to our team at Kids First Children’s Services on (02) 9938 5419.
