Helping Kids Deal with Conflict: Tips from Child Psychologists
Have you ever wondered how to help your child handle disagreements without it turning into a nasty fight or full-blown meltdown? As children navigate their friendships and relationships, disagreements and differences in opinion are bound to arise. But watching your kids struggle with conflict can be challenging, especially when it results in tears, tantrums, or ongoing tension.
Kids First’s experienced child psychologists in Sydney understand these struggles. We know that you want your child to develop healthy ways to handle disagreements and build stronger, more respectful relationships. That’s why we’ve put together these practical tips to guide your child in learning how to “fight fair.”
Why Are You Upset?
One of the first steps in resolving conflicts is helping your child understand their emotions. Ask them to consider why they are upset. For instance, are they mad because their friend took their toy, or because it feels like their friend often takes their things? Encourage your child to take a moment to understand their feelings before talking about them. This self-awareness can make it easier for them to express their emotions clearly and calmly.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“Can you tell me exactly why you’re feeling upset? Is it because your friend took your toy, or is it something else?”
Deal with One Problem at a Time
Children often struggle with expressing their frustrations clearly. It’s important to teach them to stick to one issue at a time. Remind them not to let “You didn’t share your snack” turn into “You always leave me out.” By focusing on a single problem, it becomes more manageable to solve and prevents the conversation from becoming overwhelming.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“Let’s talk about one thing at a time. Can you tell me about the snack problem first, and we’ll figure it out together?”
Nasty Names Don’t Help
Encourage your child to talk about the issue without attacking the other person. Explain that using kind words and avoiding name-calling can make a big difference. For example, instead of saying “You’re mean,” they can say, “I feel hurt when you ignore me.” This approach helps everyone feel better and makes it easier to resolve the problem.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“Instead of saying ‘You’re mean,’ try saying ‘I feel hurt when you don’t share with me.'”
Say How You Feel
Teach your child to use “I feel” statements to express their emotions. Phrases like “I feel sad when you ignore me” or “I feel scared when you yell” are effective ways to communicate their feelings without blaming the other person. This helps the other child understand their perspective and fosters empathy.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“When you’re talking about your feelings, start with ‘I feel…’ like ‘I feel sad when you don’t play with me.’
Listen First, Talk Second
Listening is a crucial part of resolving conflicts. Encourage your child to listen attentively when the other person is talking. This means not interrupting or thinking about what they want to say next. Understanding the other person’s perspective, even if they don’t agree, is key to finding a resolution.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“While your friend is talking, let’s focus on listening without interrupting. We’ll have time to talk when they’re done.
Don’t Ignore the Problem
ometimes, children might feel it’s easier to stay quiet and avoid discussing the issue, a behaviour known as stonewalling or giving the cold shoulder. While it might provide temporary relief, the problem remains unresolved. If your child needs a break from the conversation, teach them to communicate this and agree on a time to discuss the issue later. This approach ensures that the problem is addressed while giving both parties time to calm down.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“If you’re too upset to talk right now, it’s okay to take a break. Let’s agree to talk about it again after dinner.”
No Yelling
Remind your child that yelling doesn’t help anyone understand their point of view. It only escalates the conflict. Encourage them to speak calmly so everyone can listen and understand each other better. This creates a more conducive environment for resolving the disagreement.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“Let’s use our calm voices so we can really hear each other and solve the problem.”
It’s Okay to Take a Break
If your child feels themselves getting too upset, reassure them that it’s okay to take a break. Encourage them to agree on a time to come back and talk when they’re both feeling calm. This pause can prevent the situation from escalating and allows both parties to approach the problem with a clearer mind.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s take a short break and come back to talk about this in 10 minutes.”
Work Together to Work It Out
Help your child understand that there isn’t always a perfect answer to every problem. Encourage them to do their best to find a solution that works for both parties. If they can’t find a solution, teach them to try and understand the other person’s perspective. This understanding can go a long way in helping everyone feel better, even if the conflict isn’t fully resolved.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“Sometimes we can’t get exactly what we want, but can we find a solution that works for both of you?”
Encouragement and Support
As parents, your encouragement and support are vital in helping your child learn these skills. Praise their efforts to communicate clearly and resolve conflicts peacefully. Role-playing different scenarios can also be a helpful way to practice these skills in a safe environment.
Practical ideas for what to say:
“I’m really proud of you for talking about your feelings calmly and listening to your friend.”
Teaching Your Kids to Overcome Their Anger
Teaching your children how to handle disagreements respectfully and effectively is an invaluable skill that will benefit them throughout their lives. With patience and practice, they can learn to “fight fair” and build stronger, healthier relationships.
For more tips and support, our multidisciplinary team, including Child Psychologists, Speech Pathologists, Occupational Therapists, and Early Intervention Specialists is here to help.
Call Kids First today to on 9938 5419 to discover how we can support your child or follow the link below for more information about Child Psychology services at Kids First.
